And then there were Fanfiction Authors
by Kmikaze KAtie AAPPG 42
Summary: Okay, maybe it should be rated R; be warned. There's no actual horror in here, it's just the story itself is enough to make a grown man cry. That derranged, yeah. NOT PC! POkes fun at this section, and it may NOT be over yet. If you don't want to see auth
1. AUTHORS NOTE! SPOLIER! GENERAL WARNING! ...

WARNING!: THIS IS **NOT**, **_I REPEAT **NOT** PC!_** If you are offended by any remote poking fun of the Bible, leave NOW while you still can, before you get offended. If you are a writer in the Bible category of Fanfiction.net, RUN! RUN LIKE THE WIN! RUN, FOREST, RUN!!!! I can not stress this enough! If you write in this section and DO NOT want to see yourself or your genre of writing in anyway ridiculed, leave **_NOW_**! I was reading fanfics in this section one day because I was bored and needed a good laugh and this struck me. Anything worth doing is worth doing write, so I have read all this fics in this section published on 11-12-2001 or before, not to mention any additions I might make afterwards. You WILL see your fic in here and it will NOT be in a pleasant light. Your fic will NOT and neither will you, but all the categories, writers and stories in this section with the possible exception of a few. (Which I will seek permission to publish their names. That way, those of you with a swelled head will KNOW that I am in fact trashing you and other authors like you. Don't assume that 'Oh that fic resembles mine, but I'm such a good writer I'm one of the acception.') If you don't want to be offended: LEAVE NOW!!! I have warned you, If you have stayed and read it is your own look out! I have warned you in any possible way and cannot be held accountable for any offence you take. It's not like I gave you the bait and switch. You know basically know this is making fun of all of you and every story in this entire section and you should have the sense to turn back now. It's not like I didn't warn you. It's not like I said 'a reflection on this section.' And then surprised you to try to bait you in to get you to read, If you are offended DO NOT READ THIS! Now you know and have NO EXSCUSE. To those of you who will have no problem with this, more power to you, please read and REVIEW! Oh, and By the way, constructive criticism does NOT go under "This sucks and you're going to burn in hell for it" and "we're good writers and you have no right to make fun of this section, us or our stories. You'll burn in hell for this hypocritical work! : ( :P". NOOOO, constructive criticism is "Your grammar sucks! Pay ATTENTION in English class! You're not bloody well in there to DAY dream and think up stupid things like this!" or "May I suggest you work on your spelling". Flames will be used for cooking, roasting marshmallows, the fire on my camping trips, arson, lighting an eternal flame that I will tend to for whatever cause I see fit, burning down Afghanistan, Iraq and Semolina, and Next years Home coming bon-fire at my high school.


	2. Still here? Okay, past the Author's note...

__

And Then There Were Fanfiction Writers

By K@mikaze KAtie "AAPPG" 42 (V), 

AKA All American Patriotic Patriot Girl, 

AKA Patriotica Blackdagger

AKA Huntress

AKA Athena/Athena Andromeda

AKA Psychogirl

AKA The Executioner

AKA Lady Liberty

The world was created. This got a great many people miffed off. It was revered most everywhere as a HUGE mistake… well… except by perky optimistic people who were too cheery in the mourning. Many people that didn't think the creation of life, the universe and everything was so bad before began to think it was in fact a HUGE mistake because of the annoying perky optimistic people who were to cheery in the morning. But God figured, "It'd sort itself out."

So and then he created the birds in the air which crapped on the cars below and got a great many more people thinking that the creation of life, the universe and everything was a HUGE mistake, but God pressed on, trusting that people could be trusted. So he made the fish in the sea which was promptly polluted by big business companies which actually wouldn't be so bad accept that there were then all these hippie buggers who protested and such. The hippies were right up there with the perky optimistic people who were too cheery in the morning, so this served as another reason to convert people who previously didn't think that the creation of life, the universe and everything was so bad to think that it was. Then god made Dark and light and saw that it was good. All though the dark miffed a lot of people who were afraid of things like vampires and the light miffed off vampires and things along that line, Things that liked light were upset by the creation of dark and vice versa. Now more and more people started to feel that the creation was a generally bad idea. And then there were fic writers. This really pissed off a great many professional writers. And the fic writers like me who write fics like this that turn on our own kind and rip everyone in the "Bible Section" of Fanfiction.net to shreds got other fic writers miffed, especially the ones at "The Bible" section of Fanfiction.net.

And there were many sects of Fanfiction writers. Some COULD actually write worth a damn, but then there were the writers in the Bible section. And this fic was written, and the author of this fic found all of roughly six good authors in the section, eight tops. And there were writers who hated God and the Bible section, so the of course had to write about it to try to get others to hate them, too. Noooo, they couldn't just put them in the 'original' section. 

"GOD IS A HYPOCRYTE!" one Fic author shouted! "He says He's all merciful but he wipes out the innocent first born of Egypt! In any court that be considered Murder in the first degree! But why is it okay to do it? Because he's God! THOU SHALT NOT KILL!! THOU SHALT NOT KILL!!!!" He screamed wildly waving around the '5th Commandment card'. "But God kills! But God Kills! So he who maketh the laws can breaketh them, can they?! CAN THEY! HE IS THE BIGGEST SINNER OF THEM ALL! He sets Praise him! PRAISE HIM!! PRIASE HIM!! Yes praise him! He takes delight in punishing people! He does! He Does! HE DOES! He sets up situations where he's setting up people to fail so that he can PUNISH THEM! In any other court this is called ABUSE!! And THEN he sends himself to Earth to 'sacrifice himself for his own crimes! YEAH RIGHT!" The author continued on his rampage about how God was evil.

"YEAH!" Agreed all the Satanists and Anti-Christian Goths. "Wait, evil is good… we like evil…." They thought a minute. "Errr.. NO! NOT EVIL! GOOD! GOD IS GOOD! And good is Bad! Good is Evil! BECOME A SATANIST OR A GOTH OR A PEGAN!"

"What?" Said the Pagans who looked up. What were the Goths and Satanists doing to tarnish their reputation now?

"OR WICCANS!" They went on.

"EXSCUSE ME?!" The Wiccans shouted in unison. Then the Wiccans and Wiccan like Pagans got together and decided they had had enough. They all attacked the Satanists and Anti-Christian Goth Authors. 

"WE'RE NOT SATANISTS AND EVIL!" They shouted as they started socking people right and left. "THERE'S A FRIGGIN DIFFERENCE!" Then Lots of poets skipped in.

"Oh," said one gaily, "Oh, I went with my friends to an obscure island today, a beautiful one in a river in Virginia! I climbed the rocks and played in the forest! I felt so peaceful and happy and just like a child again playing among the beaches and rocks and trees and woodland animals in the forest! I've written a poem about it!" And with that the author began to skip about and recite the poem. 

"NO!" Screamed the Wiccans and Pagans and Anti-God and Christian People. They ran at the author in a desperate attempt to get her not to recite any more. 

"What does this have to do with God and the Bible, anyway?" One asked.

"Why, it's about God's love through wonderful creation and how our debts of sins were repaid by his sacrifice!" The Author said. Just then the author was seized by the Wiccans and Pegans and by the Goth, Satanist and Anti-God and Christians who duck taped the author's mouth shut and duck taped the author's hands behind her back, and duck taped the author's feet together. Then duck taped the author to a stake, the author's computer and broke all the author's pencils and pens and burnt all the author's paper.

"I have written a eulogy for the dead," Said another author.

"Oh, this should be good," Said the Goths who listened. The author cleared their throat before beginning.

"OH ashes to ashes, 

And dust to dust,

God has taken you,

And Go you must…" The author started, but was cut off by the Goths who attacked them and gave him the same treatment as the first author.

"God is good! We've written poems about it!" Other poets shouted as the recited their poems.

"God Sucks!" Shouted others, "We're written poems about it!" 

"I'm persecuted because I am a Bohomet!" Shouted one reciting his poem.

"Yeah, whatever," Said all the other religions, "Join the club."

"Well," Said the Christians, "At least no one's throwing you to lions."

"Get over it," Said the Catholics who then went back to fighting with the Protestants as they had already been persecuting each other. 

"For that matter," Said another Author, "Why is it in the Bible Section? Why not the Originals section?"

"RELIGION IS POISON!" Shouted one author.

"They why are you writing about it?" Said some others

A couple authors were off in the back going on and on about Romans and soldiers and their POVs.

"Midrashes! Midrashes!" Shouted an Author "I love to do Midrashes!"

"God is Evil! God Sucks!"

"THERE IS NO GOD!"

"God is good, God is merciful."

"It's Jesus!"

Suddenly, on cue the cast of _Jesus Christ; Superstar_.

"Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! Are you who you say can you sacrifice?" They sang.

About that time God decided it wouldn't sort itself out, so he wasted it all and started all over again. Once again, the universe was created and this made many people unhappy. They were miserable, or anger. Even the ones with Digital Watches.


	3. Yes I'm BACK! Chapter Two: God Reflects

And Then There were Fanfiction Author's  
  
Chapter II  
  
After his last attempt at creation had gone so horribly wrong, God took a small break and tried to figure out where it had all gone so horribly wrong. He mentally went through his checklist. He hadn't done much wrong, he'd thought. He'd only created the universe and then it'd all gone straight to pot. People were created and then pissed off about it. What had he done wrong?  
  
One of the reasons people were so angry was that there were many perky, cheery optimistic people who were way too happy in the morning. But, he'd created people. They could be whatever the hell they wished. Hadn't anyone heard of free will? There were all kinds of people in the world. It took all sorts, for the most part anyway. God supposed that the perky, cheery, annoyingly optimistic people didn't serve that much of a purpose, except to help others… or annoy them. He would take what he could get. And he was sure racists and hate groups didn't serve a lot of purpose either, save mucking things up and making people miserable for which he would be blamed. Heh. Figures.   
  
He'd then made the birds in the air. He thought that had been a nice touch. He was sure he'd been particularly clever with the birds. They could fly and were majestic, and pretty or cute and sweet. He'd made majestic eagles and cute sparrows and comedic talking parrots. At least the pirates appreciated the parrots.   
  
But the main problem with the birds was their affinity for taking dumps and things such as cars and statutes. Once again, God felt he was getting the fuzzy end of the lollypop here. He couldn't help where the bird chose to do their business. It was a part of life and anyway, it was petty. So far his biggest mistake had been trusting that people could be trusted.   
  
Ah, cars. Cars got defecated on and caused a lot of "environmental problems" and mucked up the atmosphere. Well, he couldn't help that. He moved on.  
  
Well, he'd then created the vast, great oceans and the fish in the waters. Again, he'd thought this to be rather clever and again everyone was all up in arms. People were upset that sharks were killing people and that the waters were dangerous. People were all upset about cars polluting the air, but when he built in predators to keep the waters semi-clean, he was still yelled it. Damned if he did, damned if he didn't.   
  
Another point was that big business dumped in pollutions and got the hippies up and arms and killed fish (and sharks). See above arguments, god thought.   
  
He'd made light and dark. Good that, very simple. But things that rather enjoyed light hated dark, all things diurnal, mainly. Many people were afraid of the dark and many predators came out at night... not to mention monsters, creeps, freaks, burglars, criminals and prostitutes. On the flip side, said predators, creeps, freaks and so on were not happy with light. It gave them no cloud in which to hide when they did whatever. The nocturnal animals were none too pleased, either. Things went much better for them in the night. And then there were people that just preferred night. Insomniacs for example.   
  
But, there needed to be night and day. The world was round and it thus the sun was at one side at a time. Even if he had made the sun revolve around the world it would work the same way. He'd decided to put it the other way 'round so that people didn't get so bigheaded. He thought they would, anyway (which they did) but he figured it was worth a shot.   
  
He next came to the topic of literature and writing. He'd thought art had been particularly good, and writing had been particularly clever. But herein, her realized, might have been the problem. With writing came fanfiction writers and some of those writers actually wrote fanfiction for the Bible. Usually, God would have been very pleased and flattered about it, but it was causing a problem. Some people were really, genuinely good, however few of them there were. Then there were people who, well sweet kids but they were horrific. They had good intentions; their stories just didn't come out right. And then there were people who wrote to bash him. God couldn't quite figure out why. It made him angry. He couldn't figure out why people who had problems with religion and his religions (He had several at last count) had to write about it and stick it in the bible section. Could he help it that the religions persecuted each other? He had made it very clear that he didn't want anyone to persecute anyone, and he was sure everyone else in his block had done the same… all right, Satan may have been another story, but honestly what Satan did with his own religion and followers was his own affair… at least until God got around to smiting him. He figured that creation had all ready bit the big one, so really, what more harm could Satan and his cults do? Besides, Satan's followers weren't the only ones wreaking havoc. His own people were running amuck. His Jews were killing those followers that called him Allah and the Christians weren't always golden either. God thought about this for a moment and laughed. The Jews, Muslims and the Christians had essentially the same God. The Jews and Christians both traced their heritage back to Abraham. Well, *he* was the God of Abraham. So both cultures essentially worshipped him, just under different names. And the Christians were an offshoot of the Jewish. God wondered if people had realized they were killing others over religion when all three groups had pretty much the same religion. Well, it was a moot point, anyway. Each religion was rather slanted against killing. Was it God's fault people were this petty? No, he thought, it's not.   
  
That brought him to another point. Columbine. Everyone shouted, "Where is God?"   
  
Well, duh, thought God, after the fuss you made, I left the schools. You can't have it both ways, you know. Besides, I stopped several of the bombs from going off. I could save everyone; those boys had free will, which I gave to them like I gave to the rest of you.   
  
Those two boys had killed one of his own devoted followers; did people think he didn't care? Damn, he thought, I need a seriously good PR agent.   
  
Race crimes, hate killings…. Was it *his* fault? He couldn't help what people did. He'd given them free will and death was a part of life. He'd just created things and trusted people could be trusted. Well, that had turned out to be stupid. When were they goi9ng to stand up and take responsibility for their own actions?   
  
But, back to these fic writers. People were bashing him for this and that or gushing over him. Well he didn't mind the gushing so much, but there had to be a happy medium. God shook his head. He'd figure it out later. He created himself a bottle of strong alcohol and drank it. 


End file.
